How Do You Not Notice How Bad You Smell?

Saturday night, Im falling apart with bronchitis, and just an overall hot ass mess (H.A.M.) So of course that means it is time to go out on the town!! or well, at least another night out on the suburbs. So Aimee called me up to see if I wanted to join her at this bar in chester called Sidelines. Typically i have some ground rules about going out in the Richmond area, the first of which being, I DO NOT go south of Hull st. So I was thrilled at the idea of going to Chester (pretty south of Hull st)! I was enticed to join her by rumors of an 80's night. An 80's night at a sports bar in Chester?? I could not miss! WOW!! this was really something, it was as if I had stepped right into 1984, and Im not sure how much of the big hair, mullets, and super tacky clothes was costume! Aimee is friends with the bartender Cheryl. The bar happened to be throwing a birthday party for Cheryl and a few others, hence the 80's theme night. Cheryl was wearing a smashing rendition of something Madonna would have worn. We had reserved seats at the bar, and promptly claimed them, and got to the beer, Miller Lite for Aimee, and Bud Light for me. I noticed in this rather large crowd of patrons, a super fowl smell coming from somewhere on the other side of the room. the smell of NASTY FUNK!! It was overpowering, I was gagging, and there was no escape!! After nearly and hour I discovered the culprit, IT WAS A GAY!!! oh my god, no wonder there are bans on gay marriage, and why so many straight people think us gays are just wrong! THIS IS THEIR EXAMPLE! its bad when you go to a sports bar in Chester, VA and the scariest person in there is the only other gay, if the smell werent enough, maybe the flowing cascade of back hair, spilling over his shirt would be. This was really embarassing! He was dancing, and moving around, and kept getting closer and closer. He also had the "fag hags" with him. People have long joked that "fag hags" were just girls who were so lonely or whatever, that the only guys they would have would be some swishy gay guy, and that is that, well these girls really must have been the definative example of desperate. They werent horrible looking girls, so they must have just been so desperate for, and the very last in line to get a gay at the Gays R Us box sale. How was it that EVERYONE in the bar found this scent absolutely intolerable, and they were all over it? Well on to better things, there was a costume contest, which I must say, was very disapointing, there was a girl who looked just like Heather Duke as played by Shannen Doherty in the 1988 classic Heather's. But some other thing won it, I dont even remember who, cause her costume was that bad. But she got the loudest crowd response, leading me to believe she was probably just easy to get with. All in all, I had a really great time!!


Cheryl (bartender at Sidelines)

Superbowl with the family

By now everyone should know that I am quite satisfied with last nights game. even more satisfied am I with the party at my Mom and Dads new house! WOW!! I had some mild plans to start there and eventualy work my way to 2 other parties with Terri, Jessica, and Aimee, but since I was recruited to make my famous margaritas, that wasnt gonna happen. Food and poker started aroun 4pm and the people came from all around. some conservative suburbanites from the neighborhood, some others from all over. we had wings, tons of beer, chilli, taco soup, chips, and so much other stuff! more importantly, we had margaritas, and a Steelers victory!!

Is This What My Superbowl Weekend is Destined To Be?

I just cant believe it, I got home on Friday noght, I had made super last minute plans with Terri to go down to the beach for the evening and hop back up in the morning. Unfortunately I got home too late for the trip to even be worthwhile, so she went along without me. All of that is good because I totally forgot that Heather and Zach were moving this weekend anyways. They had lived in the building beside mine, and were relocating ALL THE WAY across the street! so when I pulled my car into the parking stall, they were all standing around a tightly packed minivan on a dark, super cold night. So I hopped into the van, and we rode over to the new building, and quickly got everything into it. At the point the owner of the van needed to go home to a nearby neighborhood, and Zack had to drive him there. I followed in my car, so as to return Zack to the apartments before Heather got home from the airport. On the way we decided we should really pick up some beer, naturally I'm thinking, since there are 2 7-11's within a 3 block range, thats where we would go. I could pickup a scratch ticket, as lately I have been quite lucky with those, and thin swing through the McDonalds drive through and get a McRib. This of course is not how it went down, because that just would have been too wonderful right? we go to the Uppy's station, which I have never really been a fan of anyways, and thats where we go our beer, I figured "May as well still get my Scratcher, even though I know I wont win, this is not my lucky 7-11"
Get my scratcher, take a penny out of the take-a-penny tray, only to have the clerk bantering about how she could just scan the ticket to see if its a winner, Whats that about? why cant i just scratch my damn ticket?? Naturally I was not a winner, but I would not let that get me down, I STILL wanted my McRib!! Feeling like I had been cursed with bad luck, I figured that deliscious barbecue goodness could do no wrong....... WRONG!!! I got it, and it was probably the best ever, the fries were super hot, and crispy, just the right amount of salt. The sandwich looked like the picture, and I just couldnt wait, I was as gitty as a school girl, and started tearing into the bag. Zack is in the passenger seat reminding me of the curb that aparently i was driving on, Just in time to hear a thud, a hiss, and a beeping on my dashboard, warning me of low air pressure. I BUSTED MY FUCKIN TIRE!! at McDonalds of all places. Thank God Zack was so more-than-willing to take charge, and changed out the spae. I was astonished to find out that my car, which is nothing cheap, to say the least, came with a fuckin DOUGHNUT!! no full sized spare? I felt to ignorant for not realizing this bfore! So now I am riding around on a doughnut, until this week when I have some time to get it in to get a new tire.
On to Saturday, I woke up bright and early, to meet up with Heather, and head on over to my parents house, so we could borrow the Dodge Ram, and move the larger furniture over to the new apartment. Zack joined us a bit later, and was really not feeling so hot. We went on to the complex, and got to work, when Zack became so ill, he was basically bed ridden, leaving Heather and I to do the heavy lifting! As the day progressed into the night, EVERYONE started feeling a bit shaky in the tummy. This promted a trip to Wal-Greens for a bottel of nausea medicine, some Pepto pills, and some immodium. When I got back to the apartment I administered the meds to the bed riddin kids ans ran home to pray that I wouldnt be getting the same crap as them!! OMFG what a weekend!!

McRib Followup!!

I did it, I gave in to the temptation and I finally got my McRib!!
p.s. this is a commercial from 1991 for the McRib

When Will It Happen For Me?

For the last few weeks I have noticed that the McRib has been back at Mcdonald's. I lov the McRib, but lately I have had a lot of trouble actually being able to buy one. Its not like there arent 800 micky d's around here, all selling the McRib, I just cant do it! I have a very high school crush type of relationship with this sandwich.
When I find out that the Mcrib is back, I get excited, I call all my friends, and my Myspace and Facebook status will reflect this until it is gone. A few days into it I will make sure I drive by a McDonalds whenever I can, eventually I will work my way into the parking lot. Each day that passes brings more and more butterslies. I knew I had a real issue when I found myself driving through the drive-thu and as soon as I would get to the box, I get nervous and leave. Recently I walked into one a Mcdonalds, got to the counter, and orderes a fucking Mcnugget meal!
Today when I woke up I had very careful plas to do my laundry, tidy up my apartment, watch the innauguration, and go to Sprint to get my new phone, on the way sopping at McDonalds for this heavenly sensation! needless to say, just because i set the time in my schedule aside, does not mean I was not dedicated to the cause!!!
Oh Well, Maybe tomorrow!

I Love (Loathe*) This Bar

So I am rediculously inconsistant when it comes to blogging, but I eventually will get to it!
I was working in-state on Friday, so I was home at a resonable enough time, I received a text message from Aimee, asking if I would be up for getting a few drinks at the ever-popular (only in small social circles) Sports Page. With no other plans in place I said "why the fuck not?!"
Upon walking into the door, and flashing my i.d. at the bouncer, I am met instantly with some petit woman in my arms, and her legs wrapped around my waist, like a baby koala on his mother. After wrigling around a bit, I could see that this creature who was so affectionately attacking me, was none other than long-lost BFF Danielle I havent seen this girl in so long, and we really do go WAY WAY WAY the fuck back! She was joined by her friend Emily, who has a stunningly gorgeous Dodge Challenger (which happens to be for sale!) Emily was a real cool kinda girl, at first quiet and shy, but just like a woman, or me for that matter, get a few drinks in her, and good to go!
All the usuals were at the bar, all the people who I notice, and they likely notice/ loathe me, and in typical fashion, my loud-ass friends and I were hooting, hollerin', taking shots, and pissing off the ULTRA serious dart shooters, to the point where you would have thought someone just kicked a puppy, and we were asked by one of them to move to another room. Noticing that we had over-stayed our welcome in that side of the bar (I should mention that seriously??? a bar?? you want peace and quiet, so you can shoot your darts in a sports bar?) we moved back to the "dining" side. its all just as well because it was crowded on the other side.
Jessica joined us promptly after work, and, well really thats about it. The imminent feeling of loserdom sank in, as it so often does in that particular bar, and we had a genius idea to saddle up, and head down to Caddy's. What was I thinking? after Halloween, I decided I would never go there again! There really is no place more desperate than Caddy's!
Upon walking in, of course my eyeballs were instanlty feeling like sandpaper, i began looking through a cloud of smoke, that closely resembled any smoggy morning in L.A., just to see who was there. The thing about Caddy's is, it is a place where all the most popular kids in high school go to die, and the age vary's from 21 to, well, one foot in the grave! Each person more smoky, and hammered than the next, the had (you'll neverr gues...) KAREOKE!! Really guys? Kareoke? is this 1997 in Key West? So during the Virginia suburban kareoke nightmare renditions of all the same crap you would expect (Respect, I Will Survive, and no shortage of super-aweful-crappy Nickleback) Danielle feels a good way to pass the time would be with a good ol' fashioned lapdance! (just like mamma used to make 'em!) And boy have you ever had such a lapdance! I quickly floated my gay ass up to the bar after my lapdance, and ordered a redbull and vodka, (I should mention that i dont particularly like redbull or vodka) and since I am not super redneck like everyone else there, it took a super long time for some service up in this bitch!! (this was also reflected in the tip) although, acording to the troll sitting alone at the bar, I was the cutest thing she had ever seen, My drink couldnt come quick enough, and I returned to my post on the floor in front of the kareoke nightmare, just in time to see Jessica getting her lapdance! at 1:15 Am the lights came on (last call is at 2 b.t.w.) and I was instantly sobered by the reminder of why i loathed this bar! We scurried to the parking lot, like so many cockroaches, and said our goodbye's, Henry came to get Jessica (her new fling that im likely not supposed to mention (ill refer anyone to my disclaimer)) and Aimee and I got in my car, ran into 7-11 for coffee, and whatever else we ate in the aisle before checking out, and went swiftly home. Planning on watching Postcards From the Edge, we both passed out in the couch, only to wake up to sub-freezing temperatures outside.

Danielle and I at the Sports Page

Danille, Emily, and I


Danille and Will (very excited bartender from the Sports Page)


Jessica getting her lapdance!


Groupshot!

Cleveland Rocks!

Since August of 2008, I have been working in Cleveland, Ohio every Monday and Friday. Naturally, at first, I was a bit nervous at the though of this scary scary city, Home of Bone Thugs "N Harmony, one of the highest murder rates in Ohio, and the North East, frightfully cold weather, and scariest of all, Drew Carey!! It was in November of 2008 that I was pistol whipped in the face, during an armed robbery at the Family Dollar store on Lake Shore Blvd, and 159th st. just a few weeks ago, it was a tropical -22 degrees and snowing, I felt like diving into the beach! Despite all this, I still find myself drawn to this place. I have some family members in neighboring Elyria, Oh and this week I stayed over to visit. The place was decent enough, and I began talks of perhaps a relocation.

I took it on myself to ask the locals what they thought of their town, no matter who you ask, the answer always starts off the same "We got a shitty football team!" most people agree "I hate the snow," or "Nothin up here!" seeing as I have a job already, and the cost of living is so much lower in Cleveland than it is in Richmond, I decided to find out what reasons I would have for a stint in the Cleve.

First if all, the "shitt football team" is of course the Browns, they are rather crappy, but still, Ive always wanted to live somewhere where I could go to a game, and do that whole thing. Then there is The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame... AWESOME!!! Lake Erie, which is like an Ocean to me! Cleveland is large city, whith a large gay community, And I think I could really see myself enjoying a year or 2 there!